[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
You Might Also Like
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”