Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
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IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
こいつ天才
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich