My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
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3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.