Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks