I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
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Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB