How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
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*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.