My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*