I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
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A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!