That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
adam and eve had first world problems
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.