My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.