friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
calling in to work dehydrated
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.