I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
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I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”