I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
happy friday
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip