This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh