me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Leaving the Barbers like
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism