A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
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My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye