[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
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On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue