Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
wish me luck lads
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*