“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
My neck my back my allergy attack
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey