Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
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Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
found my next D&D character name
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
me after eating Cheetos
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.