Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
You Might Also Like
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea