Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
May have had one breakfast too many
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho