I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
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Pizza is an emotion right?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.