[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed