What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.