[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.