I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain