Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Geez man, take it easy.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
A short story about romance.