I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,