How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
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oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?