I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
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I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?