Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
notice
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god