Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
This a good idea
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody