Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
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A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
The real reason evolution started..😂
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”