Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Think I pulled my liver
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.