[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
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“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.