I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
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Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
sleeping beauty
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”