The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
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The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh