I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.