Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.