Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
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if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
And bowling should be called pinball
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
✌️
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate