My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
All generalizations are stupid.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I have a black belt in leather
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Wise advice
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother