[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
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I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
President The Rock Obama
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
no their not
Day 2 of my diet
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.