Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie