Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF