My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Good morning, Twitter x
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
*seductively corrects your posture*
oh u like geography? name every lake
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot