Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.