I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
You Might Also Like
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Perfect
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..