I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
You Might Also Like
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
White Castle for the Win
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I am a gravy boat captain