Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
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Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
The pen is writier than the sword.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Called it
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.